Christmas Time

I realized that Christmas is merely days away, and it occurred to me that this year really doesn't have the normal Christmas feel to it.  I find it hard to believe that Christmas is in a couple days, and even if I did believe it fully, it saddens me to realize that I wouldn't care as much as I would like to. 

However, in light of the decorations and lights and the colors on peoples' ugly Christmas sweaters, I have found the Christmas spirit quite late, and dressed in my green and red today, though it was really only because I was told that I needed to for the volunteer work I had signed up for, haha.  I watched the merry shoppers come and go from shops in the mall as I wrapped gifts for random people.  I wonder what goes on in their lives.  How many of these people are losing their homes or buying on credit? 

A year or so ago, I wouldn't have given much thought to the financial lives of people, but as I become more and more independent and pay for more and more things, I find that I feel more and more grown up, looking back on the good ol' days, rather than enjoying the new and coming years and saying that they are the best ones so far, like I used to.

I remember turning 15 and saying to myself that this was the age I wanted to stay for the rest of my life, then I turned 16, I liked that year too, but when I turned 17, I found that I loved that year best.  Towards the end of year 17, I decided that I needed legal freedom, and yearned for age 18.  Freedom was the word I focused on.  I liked turning 18, it was liberating.  Then, I grew up some in the short time it has been since I turned 18, and I realized that I liked being a kid.  Granted, I am still very young, but I miss the good ol' days, when my biggest worries included staying up all night to get an English assignment done, or whether or not someone liked me at school.  These days, my worries include where I am going to get a job, where I am going to live, how I am going to afford food every month, when I am going to get married, how I am going to be able to afford a car and the insurance needed to cover it, how I am going to learn to cook meals that someone other than myself can live through eating, and other random stuff like that.

I realize that life is merely beginning now; responsibility is falling on my shoulders to live my life and to support myself.  I suddenly have to figure out what I want to be, who I want to spend the rest of my life with, and whether my dreams are going to be worth following anymore.  I have to remember that many the choices I make these days have greater consequences than simply whether or not I am going to get in trouble when my parents find out. 

Perhaps these are the reasons Christmas seems so different this year.  I am becoming an adult, and the reality of it all is finally settling in.  It's not a bad thing, no matter how bad it may have come across from what I said earlier, but it is new.  Hopefully, I'll go beyond everyone's expectations for me, and I'll become a great young woman of God in the process. God-willing I will go far in this life, and I can't wait to get there :)