I remembered this blog today in the midst of house-cleaning. I can't remember what prompted the memory, but it was like remembering a old friend.
I read through a few of the posts that I wrote so many years ago, and I was surprised to hear my own voice in them. I suppose you can grow up quite a bit and mature in 7 years, but your voice can remain similar.
I remember that I enjoyed writing. I only ever wanted to influence others in a way that would help them become better people or perhaps simply think about things from a different perspective here and there. I had high hopes of writing something (or a bunch of little somethings) that would change the world. Looking back, I think those lofty aspirations are fairly normal for a person in their teens and early 20s (let's be honest, people in their early 20s are pretty much just teens for the most part haha). Every one of us wants to make an impact in one way or another.
My life has changed a lot since 2014. I am parenting a fantastic pre-teen boy. I moved to a new state. I survived a pandemic (which seems like a joke to say, in all honesty - my life during this pandemic has not been horrific by any stretch of the imagination). I have learned so many things in the past 7 years. That part I am most grateful for - I have not remained the same. I have grown, changed, and developed some new habits and skills.
One of the biggest things I have learned is that people will not often remember the things that you say. They may never recall the things that you do. They will, however, remember how you made them feel. I can't take credit for that lesson - I learned it from someone else. You may have heard a quote similar to it somewhere in the vastness of the interwebs. The truth of it is solid though.
I can't count the number of times that I have told my son to do this or do that, and he forgets. It's in the moments, when I am telling him once again to throw his trash in the trash can rather than leaving it strewn about, that I have to slow down and remember he is a human being too. Now don't mishear me - I have never thought he was anything but a fellow human being (okay, when he was 2, I was sure he was a puppy, the mental resemblance and similarity in reasoning skills are uncanny). However, it is too easy to treat our children like they are less than human - to make them feel small for getting something wrong... again. That's the perfectionist in me fighting to go at him and tell him exactly how many times I have asked him to put his trash in the trash can.
So here we are, confronted with the wrapper from a snack or the remnants of an otter pop in the living room... where do we do from here? Do we yell? Do we recount all the times that we've instructed him to pick up after himself? Hmm. Those are all reactions. What about the end result? We want him to throw his trash away in the proper location. Why?
Ah yes, the most important piece here - the most valuable question! -- WHY?
If we don't know why, we can't help him. For me, picking up after myself goes beyond being a clean human. It is a kindness to others, it is a consideration for those around me, it is respect towards God even. I clean up after myself because I don't want to make someone else feel obligated to do it for me. I clean up after myself because I don't want others who visit to sit amongst my mess in discomfort. I clean up after myself because God gave me a home to live in, so I should take care of it as a steward of that gift.
So why do I want him to clean up after himself? Obviously I don't want to make a habit of being his maid, but it goes deeper than that. I want him to create this habit of cleanliness because I want him to be a human that respects others and shows them kindness. I want him to be thankful for the gifts that God provides in his life and never take any of them for granted (even the littlest things, like an otter pop).
Okay, we have the why - now for the how. He probably won't remember what I say. He might remember what I do. He will definitely remember how I made him feel. So my answer (and who knows, maybe it's the wrong one) is this: With a kind voice and kind expression/body language, I'm going to call him over and ask him once again to clean up after himself. As he is apologizing again and telling me he forgot, I will refrain from reminding him that forgetting is not an acceptable reason to not do something. Instead, I will close, very simply, with this: "Son, thank you for picking up your trash. It really helps me keep our house clean. I love you." *Insert hug here*
As I am sitting here planning out the next time he forgets to pick up his trash, I am reminded of all the times I am impatient with the results in others' growth. I have to remember that everyone grows in their own time. My job is not to change the people in my life, but to create the environment in our relationship that allows them to grow. I can't, nor should I, force change on people. That more often than not produces resentment and resistance to growth. I need to encourage them, appreciate them, honor and cherish them. Growing them isn't my responsibility, but giving them the room to grow is my responsibility. The rest is ultimately up to them.
While parenting obviously has a little more dynamics to it than that, the love, respect, encouragement, patience, and appreciation remains the same. I want my adult kids to look back on their childhood and remember a home full of love and appreciation. When they are blessed with their own children, I want them to remember correction properly dosed with firmness and respect. When they face their own struggles in life, I want them to be able to turn to their father and I, knowing that they will be met with dignity, honor, and encouragement.
In closing, friends, thank you for reading. I leave this blog as a reminder to myself to always strive towards growth, always love on people, and to remember that He is always By My Side. Love you <3
